strum

but everythingmeans nothing.

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Thursday, April 26, 2007

and i guess this makes me even more of a fool
for believing that i could have you
but you don't care for me
not the way i want you to
not the way i thought you did
and it hurts more than i expected
and i guess i must have invested
just a little bit more of my heart that i wanted
which is stupid
because i knew this would happen
and i was a fool for hoping it wouldn't
you'd think i would have learned by now
not to put my trust in dreams
because nothing is as it seems
and wishing bring nothing
but dissastifaction and restless yearning
for something
anything
and i forget that jumping high
taking the chance that i could fly
means i fall that much further
and my landing is that much harsher
and everytime
my heart breaks a little more
but i keep on opening that door
and finding more than i bargained for
the stillframes in my mind
cease to be
and all that's left
are pieces of me

if i ain't got you|11:18 pm

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Thursday, February 01, 2007

A glimpse, a glance
a stare, perchance
darting, searching
watching, waiting

you know he's not for you

the fire burns
shrinks to an ember
cooled by indifference
you think it's over
a flicker of wind
effort undone
and you know
you know it's only just begun

he still doesn't know you

how long, how long will you wait

how far can you tread between love and hate

of me, of you

if only dreams came true

but all that's left are bitter smiles
and ashes

yet you burn
you burn for his smile
and when he sings
when he sings
sometimes the world stops
and the beauty of it makes you want to cry
and sometimes you do
because his song's not for you
and slowly the fire dies
and you're left with ashes
cold ashes and warm ember
because the cycle never ends
warm, waiting ember
until he smiles at you again

if i ain't got you|11:10 pm

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Thursday, October 05, 2006

forgive me
if i don't believe you
pardon me
for my cynical doubt
i'm older
i hesitate to say wiser
but i know more
than i did before

and perhaps i still dream
but i no longer hope
and wispy wishes
are just that
no more
they will never be more

i understand that now

there's no such thing
as love at first sight
there're casual flings
monotonous marriage
no warm fuzzy feelings
or perfection

he doesn't exist
nothing's real anymore
so forgive my bitterness
understand my skepticism
but i'm no longer a child
i've put that behind me
or at least i've tried

and my head
might flitter in the clouds
occasionally
but my feet are firmly planted
in the ground
rooted by reality

don't take me for a fool

life isn't
a story
a movie
lies concocted
perhaps because
people want more
more than this life

that was my innocence

i'm not sure
if i was better off ignorant
but i've crash landed now
broken wings and all
and you can see
the age in my eyes
if you look close enough
past the masks

because someone has to believe
and for some reason it's me
i dug my own hole
and now to admit to my flaws
to concede to imperfection
might shatter someone else
their preconceptions
their innocence
so i smile

irony
deceit
my life is a maze
a tangled mess of my own making
and my thoughts run in spirals
going on and on
leading again and again
to madness

who am i?

i'm so dark

i have no patience for myself
for the wreck of self-pity
the cruel cycle of depression
the jagged cliffs of rage
that haunt me
so pretentious

and of course no one knows
no one cares
or knows to care
or cares to know

after all
what could they do?

i'm the greatest of hypocrites
giving advise that i can't seem to follow myself
pronouncing criticism
thoughtlessly judging
the speck in others
ignoring the plank
hell, the forest
in my own soul

all they see are smiles
and careless laughter
everyone's happy in lala land
it never rains
there is no suffering
not in her

and the soul shrinks
behind towering walls
cold stone
dank and dripping
yet drier than the desert
contradictions
i stress again
are a constant in my life
and there are chains
and thorns
and the ever-present darkness

i have no more tears left to cry it seems

oh wait
how foolish of me
of course there are
there's a veritable lake where those come from

i hate who i have become
and i reach for help
but i can't even do that properly
pathetic
there's nothing in my life
nothing to complain about
nothing to warrant or justify
such pain and anger

and i'm sinking and falling
i'm drowning and crumbling

bitterness doesn't become you
sarcasm doesn't suit you

i'm so sick of caring

life no longer has any meaning for me

i exist purely for others

fitting perhaps...maybe it's all i'm good for

how sad...

life was never meant to be fair

if i ain't got you|1:47 am

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

i want it
i need it
so badly
every fibre of my being
straining
to feel it
to know

this body is too small a vessel
to contain
everything locked in
emotion pent up
skin tight
barely restraining
close to bursting

stars
i want to see them
i want to feel them
burning
blinding blackness
light
white

i just want to know
it's just beyond my grasp
just...
just there
can't stop the trembling
the yearning
just let me feel
let me feel it
just once

please...

magic and mist
it doesn't exist

just reaching
falling
wanting

hating the helplessness
the inexperience
the need to know
i can't

please...

it's all in my mind
imagination
dreams
lies
and even that's not enough

confused ramblings
lost phrases
abstract ideas
disappear in the mists
i don't know
where i begin
or where i end

tangles
mazes
words
memories
intangible wisps
drowning
strangled

it's funny
ironically
i know more than i know
know more than i feel
the mind takes you places
that your body's never been
which is fantasy
which reality

what's real
and how much just wishing
yearnings
for something more
because what is real isn't good enough
isn't real enough
something missing
embellishments

now cynical
now skeptical
bitter
cold
too flat to hate
i just can't

forbidden
i know
i know...
concealed
hidden
so curious

and i can't bring myself to care

dangerous
subtle insinuation
creeping insecurities
silent evil
i see
really i do
i'm not blind
i refuse to be naiive
it's a fine line
between knowing enough
and knowing too much
i don't want to be taken over
i won't let it

but i need to know
desire
need
reason has deserted me
and left
yearning

what for?

i don't know

you don't understand
i don't blame you
most times i'm not even sure i understand myself

i don't know when i ceased to think
and now sink
float
in moments where i just

feel...

yearning

if i ain't got you|3:44 am

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Monday, February 27, 2006

i can't bear to see, what i cannot touch
i don't want to hear, what cannot be mine
i refuse to imagine, what i cannot have

and yet...

i can't help but dream, of what won't be real
and nothing i do, can change how i feel

but he doesn't see me

if i ain't got you|2:16 am

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm tired of your promises, I'm weary of your lies
I'm sick to death of broken vows and vapid false replies

you're still the ones who can make me cry ... so easily

I'm missing pieces of my heart from bittersweet goodbyes
I'm fading from the storm of tears and neverending sighs

you know, you're really pretty when you smile.

There's nothing to complain about I know I have been blessed
And someone else has got it worse than me I must confess

don't you feel petty and ungrateful now, angsting about your life when others have much more reason to complain?

But knowing that I shouldn't cannot stop the way I feel
And hiding will not change the fact that they will still be real

I'm sorry that all I ever seem to do is hurt people

I feel too much and fall too soon but one thing that I know

That I will live aim for the moon

and I will learn even if you miss

and I know I will grow you could land among the stars

if i ain't got you|11:52 pm

~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Saturday, January 21, 2006

'In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer'

Albert Camus

if i ain't got you|4:06 am